DEVIANT

An Origin Story

“Am I dealing with a demon of homosexuality?” My dad, a black pastor, weighing in at about 220 pounds scolded me, when I was just 11 years old. I was a frail boy, weighing barely 100lbs, and I was terrified at this line of questioning, coming from a man of his stature. He’d just finished interrogating me in front of my mom in the basement, while pulling up all the “gay porn” tabs in the computer history. I was embarrassed in front of them both, and also angry watching my mom cry. She cried as though she were somehow hurt from this finding. It was my life on the line, my reputation, my next days which were forever uncertain… but she cried. Her tears felt like an attack on me; begging for my dad’s fury to peak. As her crocodile tears fell, my dad fury was incensed.

Having something to prove to my mom about his masculinity, my dad decided against parenting me in that moment. I didn’t get questions and answers, or any education regarding sex, porn or puberty. He screamed “What is this?!” I made up a lie about mis-typing in “gray man”, as to see if such existed between a “black man” and “white man”. I feel like he almost bought it, but then realized the different dates and elongated time stamps of the computer’s “gay porn” history. Sick of my mom’s tears and my lies, he grabbed my arm and threw me towards to staircase, “You’re a liar! Get upstairs!” I could feel his hand on my…